Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tips for a Safe and Happy New Year

Remember, what happens on New Year's... could possibly haunt you for all of 2009 - even in Vegas.

Streaking was acceptable in the ninth grade, tolerated in College, and highly recommended as an adult.

At midnight, should there be no one of the opposite sex to kiss, refer to the following flow chart:

I am....

(And remember to take pictures)

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Wine after nine is just fine. Crack after speed, an ambulance you'll need.

If attending a party this evening, remember to thank you host with a gift,

not wear out your welcome,

and get a safe ride home...

Happy New Year everybody!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

An open letter to Chicago Bear fans

Dear Fans,

If you're reading this, you probably already know: your beloved football team lost to the Houston Texans today (31-24), thus denying them a playoff spot.

Now, I have never been a Bears fan. Though, when Brett Favre left Green Bay for good, I vowed to, at the very least "not hate" the Bears so much. I went as far as saying I would be a fan once, but I'm pretty sure I was under the influence of alcohol, drugs or a Voodoo curse. However, I am not a big NFL fan at all any longer, so I am going to try to remain unbiased throughout this letter.

First of all, if you are a Bear fan, chances are you were born, lived in, or moved to Chicago (or surrounding area) at some point in your life. It's also very likely that you have been a Bear fan all of your life, you have fond memories the Superbowl (winning) team, you agree that no one will ever match up to Coach Ditka, and you despise the Green Bay Packers (and fans) more than any other professional sports team, ever.

Yes, you my friend are a true fan, and I admire that. I can not judge who you root for (unless it is when your team is playing mine), as long as your rooting with passion. Now, like I said I gave up on the Pack this year. About three years ago I started giving up on the NFL entirely. Egos, six-figure salaries, and crime just don't go along with football very well. I prefer NCAA sports, where the athletes not only don't get paid, but also get kicked off the team for poor conduct and bad judgment. Anyhow, sidetracking...

The Bears put on a decent performance today. The offense was actually looking like they needed to score points to win a football game. Kyle Orton threw two touchdown passes and had no interceptions, and he made some ballsy plays that paid off. He must have turned his headset off because throwing the ball to Devon Hester, in double coverage, nearly halfway down the field, is not in any play Ron Turner is aware of. In a post-game interview I heard Lovie Smith say he didn't even know that the rules allowed for such a pass.

The Bears dumb luck was working beyond capacity as well. The Defense got a chance to score on a fumble...? Incomplete pass? I dunno, let's stare blankly at the refs who didn't blow a whistle or stop the clock and then run with it. Good thinkin.

Unfortunately, dumb mistakes were also in plentiful supply. The Windy City fumbler, err I mean flyer, has incredible legs, but the same can't be said for his hands, or his head. Falling face first to the turf instead of taking on the defenders says only one thing to me: pussy. And his buddy, Daniel Manning couldn't seem to keep his hands on the ball either, leading to a turnover that could have been the difference.

The Bears defense is not good. It never has been. It's entirely overrated, and it always has been. It was not good the Superbowl (losing) year, not last year, not this year. Take a look at the stats folks (and numbers don't lie); the team is ranked 21st in the league in overall defense (total average yards allowed per game). They give up points, lots of points. The secondary (30th in the league) might as well blitz every play. The line, usually ranked in the top 5 in the league, never showed up today. The team should look into cloning Brian Urlacher ten or so times.

The good news:
Robbie Gould went 26/29 in field goal attempts this season. Trade him!
They beat the Packers - Lovie Smith's TOP priority since joining the organization. Winning other games? Eh...
It took three seasons, and the same amount of QBs but the team may have found a decent one.
9-7 would have put you in the playoffs if you were in the NFC West!
We don't have to hear any more Jeff Joniak for like 8 months.

Bear fans, you act like this was unexpected. It boggles my mind. Being a Cub fan, I can understand the die-hard loyalty and belief in a team, but when your head coach is a total QB Schizo who constantly looks confused... come on! You can't tell me that this wasn't going to happen. I'm surprised they won 9 games!

Don't try to rationalize this with me. Don't try to tell me "well, they should have won the Atlanta game and..."
Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda! Five of their seven losses could have been wins? Well, 9 of 9 of their wins could have been losses.

Quit wasting your time with this ridiculous team. I know the whole NFL got turned upside down this year: Tom Brady out for the season (but New England still managed 11 wins), Detroit not winning a game while last years' 1-15 Miami team clinched their division this go around, etc etc...
But the Bears suck. They have some talent, don't get me wrong, but it's not in the right places. They have Quarterback identity issues, TERRIBLE management(from the top down), and no cheerleaders!!! (It's an outrage!)

So fans, pack up that Bears hat, the sweatshirts, the t-shirts, your lucky Bears scarf, the punky QB headband that still smells of 1986, and forget any of this happened. As a matter of fact, just throw it all in the fireplace and use it to keep warm (and cut down on energy costs).

Now, take that mall gift card you got from Grandma and head to Champs to purchase as much Blackhawks gear as possible before it all sells out!

Your caring pal,


Monday, December 22, 2008

It's finally, kinda sorta beginning to [feel] like Christmas.

It's probably the change of venue, but this year, more than ever, Christmas seems less important. Maybe I've lost some faith, but it seems like there is more to it than that.
Looking back, I suppose the holiday has gradually lost it's intrigue. But Christmas is supposed to be that time of year when we all feel like children.

Problem #1: I always feel like a child.

I'm sure come Christmas Day, I'll be in the spirit along with everyone else. But if I were not headed home for Christmas (not entirely of my own interest), I can conceive a perfectly content day/night of solitude. Maybe I'd watch Christmas movies and weep alone. But to me, that's pretty fulfilling, at this point in my life (wherever that might be).

Nothing feels like home anymore. Maybe that is the problem. Yet, the only thing that tells me that it's a problem is society. I am fine the being alone on Christmas. I have been alone at many points in my life, we all have. So, what's Christmas, but another day?

Well, it's Christmas!, you might say. But, in my perfect world, everyday would be like Christmas; no hate, all love.

We pretend everything is okay on Christmas, though it never is. I'm not saying we should pretend everything is okay all the time, nothing would get solved. I am saying, if we demonstrated the compassion we had for each other and for life in general (like we do on Christmas) every day of our lives, life would be a lot better for all of us.

So, don't tell me "please come home for Christmas."

I don't need that. I need that kind of compassion on a regular basis. I need a friend when I need a friend; I can not help my needs. I feel bad for the rest of you.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Post 100

Well, this young blog still has a lot of growing up to do, but looking back on the first few entries (beginning with August 3, 2008), it definitely seems like I have made some progress, both as a writer/blogger and a person.

But instead of making this sappy look back at my past/forward to my future, I'm just going to give you a little treat. Enjoy the Season 2 premier or Flight of the Conchords!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

life south of I-80 (after one semsester)

Champaign-Urbana is like nowhere else. I had no clear picture of what I was getting into moving down here this past August. I went into it however, with an open mind and no direction whatsoever. There, I said it. I really had no clue; not enough money for U of I, barely enough motivation for community college, little money, no job...

I could have stayed back home: no rent, well-paying job, much more security, my good friends, family... but I needed a change. And now, this is home, and I love it. Despite my lower-paying job, increased expenses, crazy roommate drama and lack of sanity, I love every minute of it. It's the college experience I never had, and to be honest, never thought I needed. But it's forcing me to grow up and figure out exactly what it is I want/need to do with the rest of my life. Granted, at first it just confused me more, I think I needed that confusion to shake things up.

I'm still just a lost puppy at this point, but at least I'm in the park with all the other dogs, surrounded by people, places and things that give me more sense of meaning. Though I may not know exactly what it is, I've foundmy raison d'etre and it's right here in Champaign (for now at least).

25 years ago, it was snowing....

my house! found this pic in my room and realized it was taken on my ride home from Northwest Community Hospital (in Arlington Heights - no wonder I love the track so much, lol)
Anyway, pretty cool...

A Quarter Century later, much changed, yet very little

The Year, 1983: Our president-elect was just receiving his B.A. from Columbia. Toto, Prince and Men at Work topped the music charts. Moviegoers were watching "A Christmas Story" and "Return of the Jedi," and staying home to watch "Dallas," "Dynasty" and "60 Minutes." The Raiders won the Superbowl that January! But Illinois got pounded 45-9 by UCLA in the Rose Bowl and the Cubs still sucked. In the news: terrorism, U.S. invasions and polygamy. Reagan proposed his brilliant "Star Wars" plan in '83, meanwhile a record-breaking national deficit was projected ($189 billion - we're now in the trillions). A Sony Walkman (yes, one that played cassette tapes) would set you back about the same as an Ipod Touch, while an RCA VCR would run you nearly double what you could get a Blu-Ray player for today - and that's not factoring in inflation! But gas was only a buck and a quarter a gallon. Though, my last fill-up only cost me a quarter more than that...

I suppose it's only been 25 years, but that's my whole life. It just seems like more should have changed by now. We're still obsessed with "Star Wars" (the movie, not Reagan's craziness) and you can't avoid "A Christmas Story" this time of year. And "60 Minutes" is still the most watched television show by the people who don't even know they're watching television. These things are good; I don't want them to change. But, when we're still dealing with President "Mission Accomplished" 25 years after Reagan was quoted as saying, "(the USSR) is a focus of evil in the modern world," somethin' just ain't right.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make, or if I'm trying to make one at all, but I just felt a bit reflective tonight, and thought I would share with you all the changes (or lack there of) over my lifetime.

When someone lives to one hundred, we gasp, "can you imagine everything he/she has seen in his/her lifetime?!"
I guess I'm only 1/4 the way there but 25 years seems so insignificant, in the grand scheme.

I have enjoyed my 25 years, however. I just wish I could have done more to change things. Tomorrow we will drink some beers to the next 25 years, and to hoping they bring change. prosperity and a better world to us all.

(That's all I want for my birthday.)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Lost material

drafts of unpublished posts I finally decided to show y'all....


I sit at my desk, paralyzed.
My feelings numbed, but only to the point of confusion. I feel something, but I can not decipher what it is.
It's like waking from surgery, but nothing has been healed.

There is plenty to pass the time, but nothing seems remotely fitting.
So I'll sit, and remain me.
Confrontation lacks my interest.
I will try to meditate, but my mind too far away from me now.

I feel like a planet from another solar system, revolving around another sun.
Intermittently I get close enough to view Earth and the other planets,
but it is short-lived and irrelevant.

I dreamt of old friends last night, and the things we used to do.
I have been dreaming a lot lately, vividly.
It is almost like living another lifetime in my sleep.
Beautifully, night does not remember day, freeing me.


is my mind.

dunno quite who i am, just where i wanna be. sorta

wish i could take flight

the lights in the distance. something is always out there. not brave enough to venture.
the beeps continue. my own creation. irresponsible art.

Suddenly everyone wants to talk. Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, Friends, etc. But when it is not a matter of cultural relevance (i.e. breakup, death), it's no big deal.


I'm a human being, first and foremost. After that, I am a writer, then a lover, then a friend.

However, being a human being pretty much trumps all of the following. At the same time, being a human being is an overused excuse for the [....]

Saturday, December 13, 2008

This is Life (pt. 1)

While I know I have been/can be a wreck loose ass sometimes, I have decided that this is my life, and I don't know that I would have it any other way.

I know I have things that require fixing in my life, and that is my New Years resolution. About four or five years ago I had a dream; more like a nightmare. A future me came to me and said that, no matter what I did "I would not live past 25." Kind of creepy, considering my 25th Birthday is less than a week away. But increasingly so, over the years since the dream, I have become more and more about living for the moment. I have enjoyed life a lot since that dream, while still managing to survive.

Should I prove the dream demons wrong, and make it to the New Year, I will be making some changes in my life: cutting back on things, thinking before acting more often, just trying to be a better version of myself.

However, I have no regrets. Why bother? I have probably said otherwise in previous entries, but I truly believe that have regrets is pointless. It keeps you from moving forward. There is no sense living in the past. Learning from your mistakes, sure, but not dwelling on them.

life sucks sometimes

The single most definite disappointment in life: people.
At least in this fucked up culture. You can't trust or depend on anyone.
Deception overtakes reality.
Communication is a foreign term.

We text, we chat, we e-mail...
But we take it all for granted.

We give up on each other so easily because we care more about ourselves than anything.
Fuck that.

So close to giving up.
So close.
So close I can taste it, and I hate it.
But I want to show them; you, you all.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Playlist

Some actual Christmas songs, some just badass tunes that are Christmas to me:

"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" - Bruce - For the brutish period in which I lived in the same house as my stepfather, this was the song that would wake me up on Christmas morning. It also still is the first song played after Thanksgiving dinner.

"Creep" - Radiohead - Not quite sure, but from the very first time I heard this song up until today, every time I hear this track I think it's a Christmas song. Good song, but has nothing to do with Christmas, I'm pretty sure.

"A Great Big Sled" - The Killers - Badass xmas tune. Very Rock n Roll, yet pretty as a white Christmas.

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - Death Cab for Cutie - For serious, this is the holiday equivalent of Hendrixs' version of "All Along the Watchtower." Like Dylan himself said: Jimmi mastered it. Death Cab went and done the same thing here. Perfection.

"Beautiful Day" - U2 - When this single was first released, at the start of the big U2 revival (side note: All That You Can't Leave Behind, the last good U2 album) I was a sophomore in high school. I remember hearing it beforehand, but when I truly fell in love with it was on a roadtrip up to East Troy, WI to see Pearl Jam with Dan Krall, Mike Wilson, and Mr. Wilson (Mike's dad). Dan pointed out exactly what the song was about: a dude who just lost his wife and kids (divorce) and was just at a really shitty point in his sad life. But the sun was shining, he had hope, and it was a beautiful day. Yeah, a bit sappy, and who knows if that's what the song actually means, but to me that is what it will always mean, It reminds me of my dad, it reminds me of myself, it reminds me of my dog, it reminds me of Christmas morning, New Years Day, and that bitter cold night in October of 2000 - and that's all that it has to mean.

"Bittersweet Symphony" - The Verve - More nonsense from the Broham camp. This is the song I think I listened to most in high school during that drab week that is Winter break; post-Christmas, pre-New Years. Bittersweetness is the best term for that week.

"Hey Parker, It's Christmas" - Ryan Adams - You think I would make a playlist and leave out Ryan Adams? Go back to my first entry and reread my entire blog - you don't know me.

"It's Christmas, Let's Be Glad" - Sufjan Stevens - a) he made an album about Illinois (and Michigan, and last I heard he hopes to cover the other 48 states, no joke); b) he's pretty much a badass; c) he's released a handful of sweet Christmas tunes (which can also be included on this list); d) his name is Sufjan. How do I get that name?

"Little Saint Nick" - Beach Boys - They're the Beach fucking Boys. This is a classic. If you don't like this song you probably hate puppies, so fuck you.

"Papa Loves Mambo" - Perry Como - It's in the second best Christmas film ever, Bad Santa, therefor it is awesome, and oh so Christmas-y.

"Run Rudolph Run" - Chuck Berry - Speaking of best Christmas movies ever, this little diddy is featured in the all-time smash comedy hit,Jingle All the Way, the BEST Christmas movie EVER (among others). Oh, yeah, and it's Chuck Berry, who fucking rocks.

"Santa Lost a Ho" - Various Artists - "Cus' he used to go Ho Ho Ho/ Now he only goes Ho/ Uh oh!/ Where'd the other Ho go?/ Don't know/ Santa lost a Ho." Many artists have varying versions of this masterpiece, but each one is quite exceptional.

Oh, this is all too fun! I know I have more, so we'll call this Volume One. Stay tuned for more holiday awesomeness...

senses numb (a short poem)

I got my ears full of glory
My mouth, a beer can ashtray
My eyes haven't slept for weeks
I feel pain and I feel pleasure
And all I can smell is a musky fear

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Awwww yeah. Oh yes. Analog sound in a digital world.

Side A. Side B. Side 1. Side 2.

When the digital world crumbles...

My PREAMP journey. My amazing PREAMP voyage.

I was born a ramblim' man - two decades too late.

Oh technology, how ironic.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Portia Decides - episode 1 part 1 (for those of you who missed it)

this be part one from facebook

Portia Decides - episode 1 part 3

Clearly a Miller Girl. Good choice snake.

Portia will be making many decisions in the future. Please send your suggestions. Portia knows all... she's like Ms. Cleo meets the Horse Whisperer

Portia Decides - episode 1 part 2

After I introduced Portia to good beer, she had second thoughts on the whole "taste of the Rockies" thing...

Only one more opportunity could prove me right...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Questions, comments, etc...

Random stuff I have been observing/noticing/thinking lately. Feel free to comment or just ponder...

I am seeing more and more moms on facebook these days. Dads too, but more so moms. Is this weird or is it just me?

I watch most of my actual programming (TV series) online these days. With the exception of news and sports, will television eventually become entirely on demand?

Do college students isolate themselves from society? I can not seem to find many peers down here on campus that I can have a decent conversation with about what's going on in the world. Not just in the world - I mean, I follow local (C-U area), back home (Chicago - try to read the Trib a few times a week), and national news. (I hate to admit it, but the international stuff is a bit much for me.) There was a crazy fire down here a few weeks back. No one knew. What gives?

Thinking of getting the Blackberry Storm. Don't know how I feel about touch screen though. Also, I'm a T9 Word addict; the whole QWERTY thing makes my thumbs cringe. But I do like the idea of full web access (Porn on my phone? Can't beat that... jk)

Just a few tidbits for now. Hope it was worth the read. Later brohams!

Things you need to check out, STAT!

Just a small compilation of cool stuff I have been into lately. Hope to add more soon. If you're bored, check it out...

CALIFORNICATION (Showtime series feat. David Duchovny - see previously listed website for all episodes)


If you're a gambler... (or a sports guy/girl who wants to bet for free!)

HEAVEmedia <<< check it out losers!

The recent releases from the following artists:
Cold War Kids, Kings of Leon, Ryan Adams & the Cardinals, Vampire Weekend and the Dears, among others.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Publication Correction

It was inaccurately reported on 11/27/08 that Jim Bryski had become the first two-time Turkey Tourney champ, and also the first back-to-back champ.

Bradley Brokamp was indeed the first, winning the first and second annual competitions.

Our apologies.

And the asterisk thing is currently up for review in the head offices. Stay tuned.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

at a crossroads

Is it art getting in the way of my life? Or is it life getting in the way of my art? Maybe an aggregate of the two?

I feel totally Hemingway.

Any help?


Life is full of what ifs. At least my life is. They say, don't hold onto the past, don't fear the future, but rather live in the present. I live in the present, but I find it hard to bury my ghosts and avoid anxieties of what's to come.

I've learned to much from my past to say I am full of regrets, but I won't go as far as saying that I have none. I've always been an anxious person, maybe more so now than ever. In the here and now I feel like a hamster in a wheel.

I have dreams. I have huge dreams. I suppose we all do. Perhaps mine are too grandiose than I am capable of right now. But without dreams, all we are is stupid hamsters.

I will continue to dream. It's the eternal optimist in me that keeps me going. I'm always looking forward to the next big thing.

Friday, November 28, 2008


Black Wednesday, Black Friday. Sandwiched between the two, a little thing we call Thanksgiving.

A frivolous holiday, celebrated by nearly every person in this country, regardless cultural background. Aside from the patriotic ones, I guess it's the only, true "American" holiday.

Be cautious to judge. Hear me out. I'm not some anti-family, holiday hating chump. But you don't need to give me a reason to get together with loved ones. Eat, drink and be merry is good enough reason for me. Exactly why I love holidays.

Oh, and over the years Thanksgiving has had it's controversy. But for real, I didn't hear anyone mention thanks of any special kind today. I am sure there still exist families who go around the table and give one thing each is thankful for - at least in the movies. We've shortened the name to "Turkey Day!" It's become a day all about food and the start of the Christmas season - which really means another reason for retailers to open at 4am.

We should be thankful for things all the time, not pretend to be one day out of the year. The hypocrisy must end. We're thoughtless, ignorant fools.

I was going to make a list of things I'm thankful for, but I'm pretty good about being grateful on a regular basis, as many of you are. But I urge you all to put down your doorbuster ads and spend some quality time with the people you care about most. It might not save the economy, but it is free.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Despite no-shows, delayed start, TTV a success

Bartlett, IL

Another change of venue came to this years' Turkey Tourney, and with it brought much anticipated fun along with a hint of drama.

The fifth annual event, hosted at Brad's house in Bartlett, drew a crowd of well over 32 - the number of competitors participating. However, the original 32 scheduled entrants did not all compete. A handful did not show, some left early while others found lame excuses to not be there. Fortunately, Mariokart fans were in abundance among the guests, and replacing the lamers was of very little difficulty for the events' organizers.

As has been the case the past four years, the first race did not go off until approximately an hour after scheduled. This sparked some controversy among participants and spectators alike.

"I have to leave by like 11:30 guys, I have to wash my hair. Can we start this thing?" muttered an angry fan of the odds-on favorite, Jim Bryski.

Jim himself was also in somewhat of a hurry to get started. Apparently he also had hair to wash. Others were simply eager to finish the racing and get to the post-race festivities.

The first round went as expected, with nearly all of the favorites advancing on. Round two produced varying results, with another heavy favorite having to forfeit his spot in order to, "meet up with some friends," an excuse used far too often from the younger of the Wvavczcak borthers. The semi-finals are where things started to get riled up a bit. With Noah, Bill, and Adam all eliminated, Mike's forfeit, and a slew of newcomers to stir things up, the finals were setting up well.

Of the four finalists, three were previous champs; Bryski, looking for a repeat, Brad, seeking revenge, and Kevin, who needs an ego boost like he needs another cameo in a Batman movie. Karters were somewhat surprised by the fourth final, young Joshua Curtis, an avid gamer but only second time participant in the Tourney.

"I like to set goals for myself that I know I can't achieve, and then shock with world!" Josh exclaimed in a pre-race interview.

The finals, which included races from the Special Cup, were an intense fifteen minutes of Mariokart. Bryski looked good, but not good enough in the first race. The newbie Josh looked to be Bryski's most serious threat going into Bowser's Castle. Headed into Rainbow Road, the Golden Baster was still in the reach of all four racers. But Bryski took an early lead and never looked back. Brad looked to play spoiler, racing in reverse the final lap and throwing shells towards the focused front-runner. His efforts were in vain however, as Jim finished nearly ten seconds ahead of his biggest threat, Josh, taking home back-to-back honors. He was also the first racer to ever take home two trophies in TT history.

Josh finished second overall, followed by Kevin and the bitter Bradley.

In unsportsmanlike fashion, Jim the victor fled the scene prior to the awards ceremony. He was booed and heckled by fans and the competition as he ran like a girly man, away from the house. Commissioner Brokamp has received inquiries as to the status of his victory. Some have suggested an asterisks be placed aside his name in the Hall of Fame. Official word regarding the issue is pending.

The Champagne did flow, partially in celebration, partially in spite of the races. In the end, good times were had by all, and few casualties were reported. (Animals were harmed in the making of the event.)

The event was captured on film by student, Bill Douglas, who hopes to piece together the footage and broadcast online very soon.

The commissioner was unavailable for comment following the event, and Jim Bryski has not returned our phone calls. His attorney has spoken on his behalf, calling him, "a little bitch... err, um I mean, no comment."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

theMorningLine (TTV odds)

All bets to be placed with me.
$1 min
$10 max


(serious replies only)


All Others 12/1


All Top Seeds in Finals 10/1

All #1 or #2 Seeds 7/1
in Finals

Noah Throws a Shit Fit 1/5

Champ/Runner-up Finish 9/2
within 3 points of each
other or less

Champs Wins With 3/1
a lightweight
(Yoshi, Toad, Peach)

Champ Wins With 5/1
a heavyweight
(DK, Bowser, Wario)

Champ Wins With 6/1
a middleweight
(Mario, Luigi)

twentytwentytwenty4 hours to go...

Actually less, but who's counting.

TTV: I never really imagined my little baby would grow up to be such a success!
I mean, five years we have been doing this shit! Five years of a video game tournament centered around one time of the year when virtually everyone is back home. I think that is the real beauty of it. It brings us all together. Every year I meet at least one new person, as I'm sure is true with every attendee. I can give you a story from each year- about Olsta peeing on things (and/or people), about random hookups, about the snowball fight Thanksgiving morning, about the crazy weather (from rain to snow to balmy temps), about the dance parties and the messes left behind for me to clean up the next day. In fact I have pictures to prove most of this. But, aside from the champions, I don't recall much about the racing itself...

Nintendo 64 is long forgotten by many. Obviously, not us. The system is possibly older than some of this years attendees. The game is half my age! But it's not about the game, not about the racing. Sure, bragging rights exist. But I think all four previous champs would gladly hand over their titles in exchange for the memories.

I know this is all a little corny and sentimental, but it's how I feel. And I'm sure most, if not all of you would agree. This is OUR Thanksgiving. The Turkey Tourney may have started out as something else, but what it has become is much, much more than that.

Whenever I tell someone about the Turkey Tourney, they are pretty amazed. I mean, who wouldn't be. We're getting together (nearly a hundred of us in total) to play a game that is 12 years old. Granted, one of the greatest video games ever made... but still. People started asking me about this back in the spring! I mean, yeah so I moved down to Champaign, but that's not going to stop me from carrying on this great tradition.

I hope we carry on this great tradition for years to come. Like when Mario Kart 64 is equivalent to Pong. I'm sure people will come and go, new faces will be seen, old ones remembered... but when the rest our of generation goes out to party on "black Wednesday," we'll be staying in, playing Mariokart.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Don't text me and ask how I'm doing, just read this!

My poor blog has had very few updates recently. It's hurting. It's hurting me and it's hurting you, lol. So to stop the bleeding I will apply my words to your wounds.

First and foremost, gotta clear some things up.

-Yes, Jessica and I are no longer together. For how much longer you ask? Dunno. As long as it takes I suppose. (Additional details are available to VIPs - you guys probably know who you are and have permission to text me lol)

-I am currently not seeking a new partner, despite popular belief. I have needs, but that's what hookers and porn are for. Thankfully I can not afford hookers.

-I'm still on medication for anxiety/depression, though the latter is not a big issue so much. But yes, Zoloft and alcohol. They help me a lot. And yes, they both cause problems, but casualties are part of war, right? The U.S. government thinks so.

-Yes, I'm smoking again. I wish I didn't crave them so much, but I do. Mostly just when I drink, because otherwise they make me sick. Crazy, right? Yep, suddenly the worthless "Truth" ads make sense. But this is exactly why they are worthless. And I drink a lot, so I tend to smoke a lot too, but again, only when I drink. And this poses another question for most of you: "Why do you drink so often? Isn't that a problem?"

-I don't have a drinking problem. I have a me problem. But even that is hard to say. (Not hard to admit, hard to say.) I was once told that "there are no problems, only opportunities." I'm still waiting on those opportunities to come my way. Yeah, I know I should reach out for them as opposed to waiting for them to come to me, but my arm span ain't quite what it used to be. It really never was that long; I got dealt a bad hand, not necessarily from the start, but by the time I learned how to play, for sure.

-I have started a few blog entries, but not published them due to intoxication/lack of sleep. I will do my best to update/edit and publish them ASAP. Or not...

-Though it seems more of a hassle at this point, I do plan on heading back North for Thanksgiving and the Turkey Tourney (TTV, hell yeah!). I am working on switching shifts so I can make it up there late Wednesday afternoon, but no promises. Otherwise I'll probably make a daytrip of it on Thursday. Ohhhhh, obligations....

-(This one might seem kind of obvious but a lot of people (who, probably don't read this blog, lol) are confused as to my current location/occupation/etc.) I live in Champaign and will be attending U of I (maybe/hopefully/until my porn career takes off) very soon. Hopefully double majoring in Anthropology and Creative Writing. Crazy combo I know. But if you continue to read the blog you'll understand it more.

So, that's that. I'm so not done with this post, but I need a smoke break, and I know this entry is eagerly awaited by about 1.5 people so I'll publish this guy and be back in a few for the sequel.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A glass drops and sometimes all you can do is sweep up the pieces and count your losses.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Chain smoking: bad for the heart, good for the soul.

Dear blog,

It's been awhile. This is kind of awkward. Let me just throw this out there...
If you wanna give up on me that's cool. I have been pretty loyal to you, but the number of fans or even regular readers is lackluster at best.

You know what though? This is more for me than anyone else. And I'm no quitter so I'm gonna keep at it. Anything is possible, right? Maybe someday this will be the most read blog on the web. Just gotta keep telling myself that. Not too hard, considering my eternal optimism.

1863: Emancipation Proclaimed.
1963: We shall overcome. A guy had a dream.
2008: Yes we can!

Segregation, discrimination: we shall overcome. 135 years later, yes we can!

We have the potential to lead the world. If we can only open our eyes wide enough to let he light nearly blind us.

Now is the time.

It began in '63. We must keep fighting the good fight.

Oh, America I wish you the best of luck in the coming years.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

2600 days later


September 11th, 2001.

Bomb Afghanistan
War in Iraq
Mission Accomplished
Three thousand U.S. troops dead, many more civilian "casualties"
Saddam tried and killed, nothing solved
Still searching for the other guy, and answers
Obama for President?
War rages on, Hillary upset
Obama for President.
Biden (sorry Conan)
11:00 P.M. EST: CNN reports...

November 4th, 2008.

Democracy reigns!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Let the Chief go...

I have to hold true to my word, so here in this week of the most important election of our lives, comes a rant...

Dear Students, Faculty, Staff, Alumni, local Politicians and other members of the Champaign/Urbana/University Community,

The Chief is not coming back. The NCAA has ruled against the Chief. That is final.

To the Registered Student Organization trying to reinstate the Chief: stop. Your collective efforts can be better spent on something more relevant. Maybe we can help the homeless or give local children the education they deserve, instead of being a bunch of snotty middle-upper class white kids who want their Indian Chief back. (I know this is a generalization, but facts can back up this statement.)

To the local politicians who include "reinstating the Chief" in their platforms: stop. We get that you're trying to appeal to the student demographic, but the Chief is not a political issue. This is by far the lamest campaign promise I have ever heard, and again, there are more pressing issues at hand than a damn mascot.

It is for our own benefit that the Chief has been removed. The controversy surrounding the Chief has gone on since before many of you were born. It's no longer about who is right and who is wrong, it's giving our University (and state for that matter) a terrible reputation. The Chief is a symbol, just a symbol. An offensive one at that. I don't care if it doesn't offend you, or your Native American friends. It offended enough people. Multiple Native American organizations, as well as human and civil rights groups have called for the Chief's retirement over the years. I would like to think that as human beings we can respect the wishes of our neighbors, and voluntarily remove offensive material/activity from our campus. However, I assume incorrectly.

"It's a sense of pride," some say, "we're honoring the Native American culture!"

Not true. First of all the Chief is a misappropriation of multiple Native American tribes' traditions that perpetuate negative and incorrect assumptions and stereotypes of said people as a whole. It is an ignorant lack of respect. We've come a long way as a society to stand up against racism and prejudice, why can we not drop this whole thing and move on boggles my mind. I am scared for our future if this is how the majority feels. It is a sad state of affairs.

I know I've been wrong about a lot of things, but this is just ludicrous. To me it's like gay marriage: no one is being victimized except for those seeking freedom from ridicule and disgrace. So just stop. Give it up. Swallow your damn stupid pride, and let's move on.

Why waste your time on such a pointless effort when there are far more crucial issues we can spend our resources on? We're basically in a recession, poverty is on the rise, as is unemployment. Middle class families are losing their homes. We are losing troops by the handful in two pointless wars, not to mention the hundreds of innocent civilians. Global warming, abortion, civil rights... the list goes on and on. And we are worried about a mascot who dances at halftime. Really?

Friday, October 31, 2008


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The world is a vampire

Idiots rule the world while smart guys like me sit at the computer in a lonely apartment, with barely enough money for food and shelter, let alone an education.

I have been optimistic for the great majority of my life, and I will continue to be so. But how can a person in the middle class not have pity for those on welfare?

UGHHHH!!! It all goes back to an entry from a week or two ago: We're all in this together.

As a writer, and an anthropologist, and a compassionate human being, my goal in life is to help make the blind see again. I want to show this half of the world the other side; rotate the globe if you will. We all have our paradigms, and as members of this [American] society, I believe we fail to see things how they really are. Ignorance is not bliss forever. Something must be done to fix this.

I know this is just one guy's blog, who only a handful of people actually read, but I have to start somewhere. I figured the internet would be a great resource for this. If you are reading this, please do more than comment. Please pass this blog on to at least one other person. I want to spread my messages to the world. I know I rant a lot about nothing, and complain, and post dumb shit sometimes, but I do that to grab the attention of my peers.

Solitude vs. Companionship: Round Three

After a long hiatus, the battle rages on...

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.”

Companionship takes the round as Solitude falls to its own demise, loneliness...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

In the Spirit of TTV

(that's Turkey Tourney 5...)

A well-earned, much deserved and desperately needed THANK YOU. Thanks for giving, sharing, and just being who/what you are. (I'm in a really good mood, which makes me nervous that I'm manic, but whatevs, I can't sleep.) So here it goes...


Mike P - for sharing, caring and especially for the protonix. You Rock. Portia and I need you to stay :)

the good people at HEAVEmedia (namely Peters and Wes) for being so kind as to let me review CARDINOLOGY and publish my work.

My baby, for being so very understanding, lovely and beautiful.

the awesome folks at the Vermillion County Humane Society, for bringing your dogs to PetSmart and being extremely friendly and caring

the three families who adopted three of the aforementioned dogs (one of whom, former Gov (IL) JIM EDGAR)

My work friends, Brittney and Matt and their significant others who came out last night. (I apologize for passing out early and hope you had a great night)

RA & the Cards, for your great work and inspiration.

Al Gore, for inventing the internet and giving me an outlet.

Mom. 'Nuf said. Dad too. And the Steps.

ALL of my blog readers. Yes, all three of you. THANKS!

Karma - for biting me in the ass when I need it and rewarding me in due time.

Autumn. You finally came! Our brief stint with winter will be over in a day or two, and you'll be welcomed back just in time for Halloween. (btw, someone said it's snowing outside, awesome)

Winter. Just promise that you'll give us lots of snow down here in the Illinois Tropics, to go along with your forecasted crazy cold and longevity.

chris d from champaign - you leaked that thing right into my lap at the perfect time. now im getting published.

Portia - you are an awesome snake.

Washington. You let Notre Dame stomp all over you and let us show off our restructured D.

PetSmart, for the employment.

Texas, for giving me a state to hate with a passion.

Alaska, for giving us Palin porn and Palin jokes.

The Anchorage Daily News, for endorsing Obama.

Joe the plumber - for making McCain look like even more of a dumb fuck than he already is.

All of my friends, family, and God for your support.

Every award show ever, for allowing me to thanks the previous people.

Being thankful is something we should do much more often than once a year. It's fun and good for you. And it makes everyone else feel good.

Thanks for reading!

Cardinology: Reviewed

The pumpkin is carved and the Album will be released Tues 10.28 but you can listen online now, and read my review as of Mon 10.27 @ Heave!

Happy Halloween to the Cards!

Friday, October 24, 2008

A life lesson.

We are all in this together.

So often we forget so. As Westerners, namely Americans, we neglect this ideal entirely. We are selfish, intentionally ignorant and mean. I don't know whom we hate more, ourselves or each other. We pretend to hate "terrorists" and crime and evil, but these are just stereotypes that make life easier.

So quick to point fingers, without thought. We are the most irresponsible society in current existence. We worry more about our financial obligations than our social ones. By tending to our neighbors first we not only create good karma, but also relieve ourselves of ego and thus create better selves. Compassion is key. We overlook this constantly. It makes me sad.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

11.26.08 Gobble Gobble

Turkey Tourney Announced!

That is right MoFos, the FIF Annual Mariokart 64 Turkey Tourney will take place at Brad's place in Bartlett, IL on the day before Thanksgiving. Just over a month away from a new CHAMP! (or perhaps a repeat for our previous champ...?)

We are hoping for the biggest field yet: 64!

RSVP and RSVP stat! It's the fifth anniversary which means we need a record breaking crowd this year. It's gonna be crazy shit. As always, a nominal cover charge will be required, but it includes, registration, food and drink. Oh, and maybe even a cash prize. Gotta see where this shit goes....

We are planning extra early this year, in anticipation of a record-breaking outcome. Get ready for a completely revamped tourney...

For live, streaming updates on the Turkey Tourney, please JOIN TWITTER and FOLLOW ME!


Urbana is for Hippies and hicks and lovers (hippie, hick lovers)

10.21.08 crazycool day

Gas for $2.49? My eyes were not playing tricks on me, I saw it. Niel and I-74, the Mobil. Maybe they made a mistake.

I paid $2.79 at the Wal-Mart in BUFU Urbana. I was attempting to place my "grace period vote" because Illinois is the most fucked up bureaucracy ever. I barely made it there before the polls closed and the line was so long I was not going to make it back within my allotted 30 min lunch period, so I just said "fuck it, I'll just absentee vote in DuPage."

But let me tell you, Urbana is like mother fucking Kentucky. A dude bought ONE DOLLAR's worth of gasoline. And it was actually $1.01 and the cashier freaked on him. Everyone there has a thick, thick southern accent, and I think the tooth per capita is like 3.2. And they also move slow as shit, it's kinda funny.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, but that's all for now. Night night good people.

Monday, October 20, 2008

New Poll, D-Bag of the Week & More!!!

So, it's been crazy busy lately, thus, not many blog updates. So here is some stuff in brief.

- New Halloween poll added. Vote early and often!

- The newest addition to our apt fam may be added today, a Ball Python some woman didn't want and dropped off at work. I'll keep y'all informed.

- Colin Powell endorses Obama! Holy crap, with every Palin SNL appearance, the dems get closer and closer to the White House...

- I review the new Cardinals (Ryan Adams) album, Cardinology on HEAVE. Should be posted late this week/early next. Link will be provided, but in the meantime, check out HeaveMedia anyhow!


Frank Calabrese (R-Chamapaign) has decided to run against long-time 103rd district State Rep, Naomi Jakobsson (D-Urbana), in next month's election. 21-year old Calabrese has a whopping three years of experience in the Student Senate down here at U of I, where he is a History major, planning on graduating May of 2009. Check out his "issues" on the prick's website >>>
He addresses the economic crisis, corruption throughout state office, and of course, the pressing issue of reinstating the Chief! I bet that gets him a handful of votes from students who don't even realize this turd is a Republican.
Frank Calabrese, congratulations on the first ever D-Bag of the Week Award. If I pass you on campus I will most certainly defecate on your person.

- The World Series will be watched by a grand total of three people this year. Frank Caliendo, his terrible Dr. Phil impression, and his even worse Charles Barkley one. The old people in Florida will be sleeping, while the fans in Philly will be much more interested in their football team.

- Finally, there will be a Halloween party this Saturday at our place. That's APT 37/39 I guess. I'll be forwarding invites via Facebook, but let me know if you need more info. Oh, and I'm being Amy Winehouse, so don't even think about stealing my costume, bitches.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Creativity vs. Balance

An unseen force, like gravity
Bearing down on focus, sensibility, control

A rage within burns deep
My emotions yearn for permission

Wants and needs bundled into one
Confused, but brightly entangled

Begging for a slight push or shove
Desiring release, but with form

The struggle will continue
Until perfection is near

I must remain this way
Perseverance, only

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Great, so you're reaching out to small towns. I bet you play John Mellencamp in the background too.

So, smalltown people, do you really think the VP can do shit for you? I mean, maybe I'm missing something, but from where I'm standing it just looks like you are playing up your stereotype (ignorant white hick).

Politics is pretty lame. I prefer to believe politics is between people, individuals. If we all got along, helped each other out, truly cared about one another, I think we could do without so much government. Too bad we believe so little in ourselves, that we are willing to put our lives in the hands of retards on a power trip.

Wake up America!

oh, politics

Palin on Russia:

"It's very important when you consider even national-security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America. Where—where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to—to our state."

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

the amp is broken

there is a steady feed
but no sound echoing in my ears


Slightly lost, but headed in the general direction. Which is, as far from home as possible.
I fought off the geography, but something in me still shakes, begging to release [unknown].
Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, or perhaps never. Gotta keep rockin' either way.

One can learn to keep the mind still - fairly easy. Stilling the mind, not always the best thing. Calming, but dulling. Hardly satisfying. Need to master the art of mind control/chaos (since uncontrollable is a word but uncontroll is not). English language very stupid.

Rain already. RAIN! Does it bring the pain or deliver it? Regardless it comforts.


So many things

(get it? another riddle for y'all. kinda lame)






words are fun. blogs too. sexytime. night, maybe.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Personality and Outlook

Keeping a positive outlook is a discipline. It's tough, let's be honest. It is much easier to be fake in public, and then behind closed doors be so emo; much easier than to be yourself all the time, especially if yourself is not a very consistent person. When I say consistent, I refer to emotionally stability.

Three basic forms, though no one is a type: pendulums, metronomes, and tops.

You can either control your sway, let society control your sway, or give into the universe and be honest with yourself [chaotic sway].

Factoring in optimism, a pendulum knows when to be happy and honest, and when to go into hiding (low-key).
A metronome is essentially oblivious, or blissfully ignorant, thus maintaining optimism on a regular basis, and experiencing sadness and depression in correlation to society.
A top depends upon no one and everyone all at once. Therefor, a top is subject to a life based on it's own will. However, it makes very subtle choices of it's own, mostly initial, and allows it's chosen surroundings to take over.

Unlike it's counterparts, the top has many identities. Some good, some bad, happy and sad. It is the truest of all forms, though the most complex. No one top is the same, as is true of each of it's spins.


I am a human being, not an American, nor a Westerner, not even a civilian. I refuse to be labeled in such ways, specifically the first. And if I were an American, I would not be proud to be one.

I'm not saying this is a terrible place to live, or that everyone who considers him or herself an American is my enemy. Though I urge you all to reconsider.

Internationally, being an American has a negative stigma. There are bad AND good reasons for this. We fail to own up to them all. Instead we just discount the bad reasons and throw it back in the faces of said accusers. We are cowards, not to mention idiots.

We don't practice what we preach. It's a strange cultural thing I guess. Our norms and mores, rules and laws, and even some traditions are completely out of whack with "acceptable" and "unacceptable" behavior.

Our arrogance is ridiculous. Our collective ego is so big that it extends up into Canada and down to Mexico. We're the all-knowing Americans. Like we need the rest of the world to survive! We have WalMart, please! And a great big military.

Speaking of which; War, good god y'all, what is it good for?
When a little kid hits another kid, he is scolded by Mommy or Daddy and asked to apologize. In school if you get in a fight, you're punished, severely. You might even have to go to see a "conflict manager" or something of the like, to straighten out your issues. Don't even get me started on violence in the workplace. A co-worker shoots up the office, the nation reacts, wondering just what was wrong with this person? Who could be so screwed up? Why?
Bottom line: violence is a terrible thing, and we all know it. It's primal behavior, instinctual (hence the kids hitting each other) but we are humans, we've evolved (or magically stemmed from two people in a garden with a snake), we are intelligent enough to know that there are more civil ways to solve our differences. Oh wait, that is with other Americans. I mean, cross the border and if somebody steps on your toe you have every right to slaughter them, kidnap their children, rape their spouses, and if you're up for it, burn their village to the ground. Let freedom ring! Isn't "spreading democracy" grand?

If I moved to France, I would not want to be called French; Africa, not African; India, not Indian. I wouldn't even wanted to be called "Antarctic," and that's too bad because how badass would that be? I am part of a society that includes all people, form every region, culture and walk of life. I run across very few people I can not get along with, mostly because I hold no prejudices, or try my best not to at least.

So, Americans: Get off your high horses and spend some time down on Earth for a change. Yes, Earth, that round planet-thingy we share with more than just the Caribbean. (I know! There are other cool places to go on vacation, can you believe it?)

Oh, and word to your mother: You can't be proud to be something you were born into. Stop taking pride in things like your last name. Pride is a sick bastard. He fucks you up good. If taken in very small doses for the right reasons, it can be healthy for you, but it's best left to the professionals. Instead, be modest and compassionate. Ask: not what your [country/family/society/religion/houseplant] can do for me, but what I can do for my [country/family/society/religion/houseplant]. Yes, it's called karma. The favor we be returned, AND it will make you feel good inside.

Meditate on the following:

1) The last time you were selfish (if you can't remember you're either a saint or have selective memory). Think about who you hurt, or simply let down. Maybe it was yourself. Maybe it was just the universe. Apologize to who you have hurt or let down; first in your meditation, until you feel good enough about it to do so in person. Think about why you were selfish. Understand what it means to be selfish. Now understand selflessness. Try to be as selfless as you can next time you have the urge to be selfish. Help others first and you will be helped. Maintain optimism.

2) Apathy. Not for yourself, but for society, politics, and general issues regarding other people. Think, if you can, about the most underrepresented group in the world, whether it be a religion, a nation, a non-for-profit. Empathize with those individuals, not just the group, but the individuals who suffer from lack of representation. Get inside them, feel their pain, truly understand as best you can. Now be compassionate. You don't just want to care, you care. You want to help them. Reward is of no concern, you just have the will to ease their pain, as a fellow human being. Now relax, bring yourself back to reality, and write down your thoughts. Write a list of ten things you can do tomorrow to help people. Then do it. We'll talk more about this later.

3) You've done a lot of work. Take some time to relax, breathe deep and think about anything you want. Picture your ideal vacation spot and let your senses take over. Enjoy!

Thank you for reading this entry. It was an important one to me. You're smarter than I thought!

Go Cubs GO!

Don’t let anyone say that it’s just a game.
For I’ve seen other teams and it’s never the same.
When you’re born in Chicago, you’re blessed and you’re healed.
First time you walk into Wrigley Field.

Our heroes wear pinstripes; heroes in blue.
They give us the chance to feel like heroes too.
Whether we’ll win, and if we should lose,

We know someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah! Someday we’ll go all the way.

We are one with the Cubs, with the Cubs we’re in love.
Yeah hold our head high as the underdog.
We are not fair weather but foul weather fans!
We’re like brothers in arms in the streets and the stands.

There’s magic in the ivy and the old scoreboard.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
A world full of greed I could never want more.

Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah! Someday we’ll go all the way.

And here’s to the men and the legends we’ve known.
Teaching us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we’ll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all.

Yeah Ernie Banks said, “Oh let’s play two.”
Or did he mean 200 years?
In the same ballpark, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our tears.

Keeping traditions and wishes made new.
The place where our grandfathers’ fathers they grew.
A spiritual feeling if I ever knew.
And if you ain’t been I am sorry for you.

And when the day comes, when that last winning run,
And I’m crying and covered in beer.
I’ll look to the sky and know I was right.

To think someday we’ll go all the way,
Yeah! Someday we’ll go all the way.

I blame the assholes who didn't believe. Fair weather mother fuckers. You are not Cubs fans. You are just like the rest of 'em. I am a sinner for thinking otherwise.


And P.S. I give up.


Friday, October 3, 2008

MISSION: statement


Because Ryan Only Has Anthropological Means

(for the laymen, and me lol, I just want to fix society!)

Break the mold.
We are all individuals, though we must conform to an extent.
Be proud of yourself, but not too proud.

Share your ideals.
Do not let anyone judge, and do not judge others.
Instead, be open-minded. Push yourself to do so. Push!

Believe in yourself and others before you believe in the unseen. That believing only comes with self belief. Find yourself and be honest with what you find. This is a prerequisite for searching for deeper meaning. It will come, it will.

Discipline is key.

Meditation is optional, but highly recommended. Keep in mind sleep. It is the best form of meditation. But venture out towards further relief.

Together we can do this. Focus on these steps for now. I will not move on until we all are ready. Focus. Discipline. Quiet time. Think, not too critically, just reflect. DISCIPLINE. Keep at it. In time it will come.

We walk the walk accordingly but seldom, if ever, take time to reflect. Do so. Let the mind relax. It is the hardest working organ and needs rest. Let it do so....

riddle (not my lame poetry, a real riddle. whomever solves it WINS! (cash money and/or my respect)

an unknown.
many have searched for it, without success.
applicable to humans, many (but not all) societies, and the individual.
a broad term, loosely defined.
it has yet to be found; many claim it does not exist.
however, it exists, in some form or another.
not bigfoot, or the lochness monster, but assumed like the former.
controversial indeed.
it would solve many problems and cause many arguments.

can this shit be any easier? i dunno. first one to answer wins.

more or less a dialogue opener. but that's the nature of this blog's intentions.

blog blogs blog's blougues <<< for serious Google, "blog's" is the possessive of "blog." GET WITH IT!

Block and a half, but I try

Lately, my perception has changed. A paradigm shift, if you will.

Suddenly, or seemingly so, beauty has come in many new, and somewhat obscure forms. Or it is possible that I have been blindfolded all along and now I can really appreciate true beauty. I feel like a child in need of Ridalin. My mind can not focus on one thing for more than a blogsworth of time. Constant distraction is my illness. Though when thinking comes, it approaches a meditative state; dreams more lucid, thoughts more real, emotions bouncy (but true).

A lot to handle. A lot of fun. A lot like life, accordingly so.

Am I finding myself or losing my mind? Too many thin lines.

The silver lining, or perhaps the gold nugget: a creative mind with many ideas-a-flowin. Now, some direction would be nice.

Not really what I thought I would talk about tonight, but whatevs. I know that I owe more, but this is all my block can put out right now. Not that anyone reads my diary anyhow. Night everynobody!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

weak attempt or a beggers tune

For now it's all I got
But tomorrow

the kissing cousin of complicity

We try, we try
All we can do

Tomorrow, unknown
Yesterday, unforgiven
But we can not be afraid
At least not strangers

I will try
If you try
Only if you all
You all try

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

First of all, thank you everyone for voting in the latest poll - it ties the record for voter outcome thus far (and there is one day left)!

Pretty excited about that shit.

So, today was bad, but details will come in a later blog, if ever.

Now, I'm feelin' good. Pumped to start at Petsmart tomorrow!

Little let down by my roomies tonight but nothing personal, I'm just too picky when it comes to this shit, plus I am crabby today.

So, anyhow, VOTERS- give me some goddamn feedback, become a follower! I totally want this to be an interactive blog. Nine of you are obviously interested enough to vote in my polls, so let's get some dialogue going here!

Until next time (probably later tonight, cus its early), ROCK!!!

and blog

end blog

Monday, September 29, 2008

existential perspective (better look alive)

Existentialism is a philosophical movement which posits that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, as opposed to it being created for them by deities or authorities or defined for them by philosophical or theological doctrines. It emerged as a movement in twentieth-century literature and philosophy, foreshadowed most notably by nineteenth-century philosophers Søren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche, though it had forerunners in earlier centuries. Fyodor Dostoevsky and Franz Kafka also described existential themes in their literary works.

It took explicit form as a philosophical current in Continental philosophy, first in the work of Martin Heidegger and Karl Jaspers in the 1930s in Germany, and then in the work of Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, and Simone de Beauvoir in the 1940s and 1950s in France. Their work focused on such themes as "dread, boredom, alienation, the absurd, freedom, commitment, and nothingness" as fundamental to human existence. Walter Kaufmann described existentialism as "The refusal to belong to any school of thought, the repudiation of the adequacy of any body of beliefs whatever, and especially of systems, and a marked dissatisfaction with traditional philosophy as superficial, academic, and remote from life"

Thank you Wikipedia.

Good discussion tonight boys. Y'all should read my blog more often.

Life as a human, very confusing. Life is confusing enough, but putting it in that context only makes things more blurry. Paradoxically, it is the only thing that makes sense; all we have. And if we focus little on meaning, and more on day-to-day (at least for me), life is much simpler.

Perhaps it's the drugs, but life bothers me less now than before. But, more so as before that, when I was ignorant. Yet, it was hardly bliss, seemingly so at the time. Now, in retrospect, possibly, but objects appear closer in the mirror, so, ya know....

It breaks!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Well, as promised, I did blog yestereve/early AM Saturday. I tried to be more positive with my little coded semi-rants/prose/crazy stream of consciousness stuff.

Just hope no newcomers are reading the first couple of entries and giving up on the blog altogether.


Dear Newcomers,

Stick with me. I promise more funtimes. At least there is a fun poll right now. Suggestions/comments/questions/complaints always welcome.



Friday, September 26, 2008

hungry for money
thirsty for peace
one world
two perspectives

upset i crumble
strong i remain
always will, always have
that's confidence

weak i may appear
as most pacifists do
but persistence is key
it wins over all

no definition
for that i am proud
regrets are few and small

you will learn

ignorance is retardation
bliss is not visible from our eyes
only from the depths of our minds
which few of us know


now retaliate

and finally meditate
if you can

if not, focus on step one
then two
then try three


did i distract you

get with it

i wanna be jackie onasis. i wanna wear a pair of dark sunglassses. io wanna be jackie O- Oh- Oh please dont die!


prose(ish) and whatnot. ENJOY

nothing done
but not a wasted day
a wasted day in paradise
where all of the best ones come from

something sweet
always a silver lining
just pretend youre the king and youll see
fun fun fun in the sun sun sun

nothing wasted
everything complete
bored with life after this feat
why would i want this for myself
or wish it upon my worst enemies
though none exist

25 and fifteen fifty yield
not enough for the creator
not enough for the brain

giant heads are distracting
also often outspoken
but they rule our world
so why bother questioning

still feel that way
about the thing a time ago
still bitter, still upset
yet waiting for a reply though

it wont come
oh no it wont
i kid myself to sleep
as i read ads for what was mine to keep

timing wrong, all wrong
but still meant to be
i can not hide here
but if not here, where

i numb myself
i sleep
i write and i write and nothing bothers me


love not war

After rereading a few of my recent entries, I have come to realize a lot of it is bitching. So, I am openly admitting to hypocrisy here. Negativity is counterproductive, and I hate to bitch. It just makes for bad karma too. I try to limit myself to constructive criticism but it's easy to get carried away. But just so everyone is one the same page, when I do rant, the stuff is mostly an exaggeration intended to be humorous, so just laugh with me here.

That's settled. So let's move on and talk about more positive stuff.

(Easier said than done.)

Not that I can't think of anything positive, it's just much more dull stuff.

The debate is on tonight - I'm sure I will have plenty to talk about afterward lol.
I'll take notes. I kinda have to watch anyway. And god damnit! I keep forgetting to register to vote down here. Monday. For sure.

Tomorrow is Chili day! That's a positive.
Oh and cruising C-U (and Savoy) today with Mike was fun. Getting lost is always fun, unless ya got somewhere to be.

Maybe I can convince everyone to help clean. Doubt it, but I'm gonna try.

Sorry for the negative shit again, and sorry this is a kinda blah entry but, you'll live. Better ones to come soon, of the negative and positive variety lol.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

If you're going to hold a grudge, you best speak up about it.

Avoidance is ridiculous and it solves nothing, non-confrontational [people].

If you can't stand the heat, quit your day job as a cook. For real.

Two wrongs NEVER make a right. That shit's a dream world that George W. Bush, john McCain and Sarah Palin live in.

COMMUNITY. COMMUNICATION. Let it fucking be. SPELL IT OUT. You only live once. So honesty is the best mother fucking policy. TRUST ME.

Trust me. I have lived longer than most in my peer circle. Not a whole lat longer, but longer enough to know the shit y'all don't. (Except, maybe T"U"L)

So let's stop being RE-RE's and get with it!


the ABC's

The ABC's of my problems (compliments of T"U"L - btw, you're too good for a B. major)

A - Accounting. Stupid shit, stupid shit, stupid shit. I can add!!!!
B - Big business. You're rich enough already.
C - California. You will fall off, into the ocean someday. Spencer Pratt is a DB.
D - Despondency. Speak up already!
E - Everything. It all needs fixing.
F - Foreigners. No I'm not racist, but seriously get with the culture.
G - Gandolf (sp?) Lord of the Rings is lame as shit.
H - YEAHHHH!!!!! (not really a problem)
I - me, myself, and
J - Jealousy. It sucks balls, from both ends. (That's what she said.)
K - Kyle. Quit being so D! I love ya man.
L - Leftovers. Get the old ones out of the fridge people!
M - Men. Get over it, females know what's up.
N - Negativity. How counterproductive.
O - Omega. The Greek alphabet is for loser frat boys.
P - Palin. What a bitch. I think we all like bulldogs with lipstick better.
Q - Questioning my ABC's. I know what's up.
R - Reality. It is what it is.
S - Summer. WAYYYYY overrated.
T - Theology. Just believe what you want to and let everyone else do the same.
U - Umbrellas. Just deal with the rain, losers.
V - Vegas. So lame. Seriously? We got casinos here too. And better yet, OTBs!!!
W - lol, come on! What an easy one... W!
X - Xerox machines, because x-rays are not that bad.
Y - Yellow. Stupid Coldplay song.
Z - Z, you kinda rock. Keep it up. I love you.

and J, I love ya baby. you make me something else

would it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up

In the morning when the day is new

And after having spent the day together

Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending

I wish that every kiss was never ending...

Wouldn't it be nice?

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray... it might come true

Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do...

We could be married and then we'd be happy,

Wouldn't it be nice?

You know it seems the more we talk about it

It only makes it worse to live without it

But let's talk about it...

Wouldn't it be nice?

*Brian Wilson & Tony Asher (Irving Music)

naivety is the name of the game for tonights post, or at least the first one.
things come and go. people come and go. my mom used to say "friends come and go, but siblings are here forever." i have never disagreed with the first part of that comment, but some friends do "come and go" while others, the true ones, are with you forever. it may just be in mind or spirit, but they are there.

anyhow, straying form the point.
which, is this: they say "you're only young once." BUT, I feel as if I have not aged a bit (other than physically) since I was in high school. No one around me has aged either. Not family, nor friends, not even Larry King! lol

Yes, things have changed, time has passed and life has gone on. However, I still feel like me, with more experience, more knowledge, and less innocence. It's good and bad. But it is what it is. (Probably the best line ever written or spoken, because of it's honesty.)

But, the point I have strayed from once again. I am just going to be blunt here. Again, it is what is is and if it hurts someone(s), well, so be it.
"Wouldn't It Be Nice" was kinda the mantra of our relationship. That being the first of my serious relationships. How naive. I will always hold a place in my heart for her, and if we met today, both of us single, there might be a chance that we would hit it off. But, for reals-z's, it is what it is. No regrets.

FINAL THOUGHT: I have been far too focused on life to worry about school or work lately. But, is it not life that we are living? School, work, and everything else are mere details that make up out LIVES.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Writin the hits...

Why I love the man so much...

WRITIN' THE HITS.... from Wilson Wolf on Vimeo.

My two favorite parts:

"Slightly country, but slightly modern, like Wilco in designer clothes."

Laugh out loud alone in your room funny!

And then at the end, "I'm like my own version of Fleetwood Mac if it was... Fleetwood Ma... Mac, Maccaroni and Cheese!"

These jams puts smiles on my face. As part of my quest to save the world, I thought I would share it with you. Pass it on.

omg some of us are crazy

life is nothing

they ignore it
maybe its just a great distraction
it retarded
we all are

i want to give up
but it wont solve anything

i need to save us

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


DEAR FOGGY, LOVE RYAN from Wilson Wolf on Vimeo.

Monday, September 22, 2008

only to dream part one

they must need fixing
my curiosity clouds my judgment
so very cold, or seemingly so
racing thoughts make my head warm
my warmth will battle the cold

like turning magnets
the feelings come and go
the reactions, likewise
something, or nothing
more confusion, but quite intoxicating
it overtakes my ego

i beg for words to describe
nothing comes
only pure, raw emotion
yet it comforts me

all i have now is time
yet, my worst enemy
like a metronome, it mocks me
and its steady rhythm, so hypnotic

the fresh scent, like lemonade on a hot day
sends me into trance
my senses have taken complete control
my actions paralyzed by my thoughts
words cannot even come
i am frozen, though the clock ticks away

i make a poor attempt
a hail mary in a cloud of smoke
my mind out of focus entirely
blindly i aim high
my aimless attempts yield nothing

i assumed destruction
but instead just nothingness
a question unanswered
a feeling, still numb
a mystery still unsolved


It's a curse
Written in cursive
Unreadable, even to me
Few, if any understand

The ache is constant within
The rest, more importantly
But also here it hurts
Without prayer I ramble

The trap was set
I fell right in
Avoidable once
Now inevitable, almost

A fork with infinite teeth
Yet so restricting
I beg for answers quietly
But loudly demean desultory

The path undetermined
I try to set sail
But the hard winds blow
Will I sink at sea

I am at the reigns
Navigator extraordinaire
With no key
It's all up to me
Up to me

Sunday, September 21, 2008

god awful creative shutdown

Well, less than 24 hours left in the first ever, unscientific poll. Hope you've all voted. Feel free to vote twice, or even thrice, or four times, if and only if you can think of a creative way to end the number four with "ice." This time tomorrow we will know what we should be calling female breasts, unscientifically of course. But those who do not follow the new rule will be shunned and frowned upon (literally and figuratively.

In other new, it's been another crazy weekend. But that is what the weekends are for...
and Tuesdays (Piano Man day). Okay, Thursdays too, since it's almost the weekend anyway. Oh and you can't forget hump day, Wednesday!

CSI: Miami returns tomorrow. YEEEAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Horatio Cane, dead or alive? Gotta watch to find out! We should probably have a small CSI: Miami party. So, I guess Monday shall be a crazy night too... just this week. Maybe I should stay up all night for a marathon of all of last season's episodes! Wait, that would mean I would be up all night - another crazy night, and that would make seven.


No, on the seventh day we rest. (Unless you're Jewish, then it's on the sixth day. What do you Jews do on Sunday btw? I mean it's not like you work, or go to school... Seriously, any Jews who read this, let me know. Oh, and also, do you really control the Liberal media? I didn't think so. Yeah, and just one more thing, how can your nationality be Jewish? What nation was it that you lived in, Jewland? Like, don't take this the wrong way, I am no racist or religion-hater (except for Scientology), but I want an actual Jew who knows what they're talking about to explain this to me, or more or less prove me right that it is NOT a nationality, just a religion. Thanks in advance.)

Wow, I hope if any Jews read this they have a sense of humor. Otherwise I just lost like 9 friends.

Back to the pointless badder.

Okay, maybe not. So I Wiki'd that shit, and it goes on and on about the ethnoreligious-osity, or something, of the Jews. You'd think, being an Anthro major that I would get that, but the whole "Jewish nation" things confuses me. Maybe I need to take some more religion courses or something? So, please Jews, do explain. If it's complicated enough, we can have a little get-together at my place. You bring the dradle and I'll whip up the potato pancakes. AWESOME!

BOND will return in....

Saturday, September 20, 2008

i wish i had me a(n)...


a brain

a heart



rainy day button

raunchy blowup doll


personal masseuse

boat (not a yacht)


money for a real education

mansion on the top of a hill

good job (but not a retarded one)


sense of self

raison d'etre


Recklessness sucks almost as much as being drugged

So I might be conspiracy theorizing here, but I'm pretty confident that I was drugged last night. (Or abducted by paranormal beings)

But for serious, I totally don't remember 30-90 minutes of last night.

I was at my Booze News meeting/audition (my first meeting of the staff), and I was really nervous about it. And if you know me, you know I have anxiety issues. If not, you know now.

I had two-three beers at home (prior to the meeting) and ate dinner. I then left home (feeling mildly buzzed, at the very most) and walked seven or eight blocks to the apartment where the meeting was being held. I had two beers before the hard stuff arrived. I made a long island (or equivalent, alcohol-wise). That is the last drink I remember making, although I slightly recall having another beer.

From then on out, it's pretty fuzzy. I remember having a conversation with a couple girls and guys, and texting Kyle. I would say a good half hour went by before Kyle arrived at said apartment. I don't really remember him even arriving.

Then, supposedly I fell through a glass table. I don't doubt it, I have the cuts to prove it, but I can not recall any of it.

Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom with Kyle, washing my hands. We leave, because I am being scolded and screamed at by the staff.

Next recollection: me asking Kyle how we got home. Yes, that's right, I do not remember ANY of the walk home.

Next thing I know I'm making an ass of myself in front of my room/floormates. I recall bits and pieces, like calling Noah (though I have no clue what the convo was about). But I thank you so much kind sir; and I apologize for possibly being a dick.

Friday morning. I wake up, no hangover. Regrets, many. But I feel fine. Eight hours of sleep, TOPS. If I drank that much I would have had a hangover.

Strange times indeed.

Yes I was reckless, but perhaps not on my own accord.

Life - it's all we got. If you're not gonna rock it out, fuck it. That's my motto, my raison d'etre.

Live. Learn. Love.
(The latter being of utmost importance.)
You can not fulfill the other two without the loving part. It's science, trust me.

Head full of tricks and treats
Places where junkies meet and
It leads me through the streets at night
But that's alright
I just watch I don't go inside

It's all the same old shit again
I got a...

I got a HALLOWEEN head

Lord I got a HALLOWEEN head

Guitar Solo!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

it's wide awake, i'm mourning

It's late, I'm up. What else is new?

Jessica, you are the most honest person I know.

Most people lie. Everyone has something to hide. It sucks, but it's the truth.
We hide things because we afraid of being judged. We hide things because we are ashamed. We hide things because society tells us to.
It sucks.

Summer went by too fast; as it always does, but far faster than any other previous summer. Perhaps because I came down to Champaign before Labor Day... or maybe not.

It's getting colder now, just how I like it. It's a feeling I have had for the past five, six autumns.

I see all my Facebook friends from my graduating class (of 2002 lol) talking about getting engaged, married, even some having kids. Kinda, really creepy. But I know I'm not ready. Does that make me old or young? (Please comment, both old friends and new ones.)

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
~Mark Twain

I try not to mind, but society constantly reminds me that it matters. Yet, I could care less, and I have to keep telling myself that. Sometimes I feel like a rolling stone, and it feels good. Other times it feels bad.
My life is a bittersweet one. I just hope that I can help people in my time here. I know I can. I'm not too modest to say that I am a smart guy. It's undeniable, lol. But, for serious, I love and care about every person that I meet. It's a blessing and a curse all at once. Boo.

You can't refuse when you ain't got nothin' to lose.


(it gathers no moss) Yet, I do.
I'm a SLOW-rolling stone, or something. I guess

Golden days have past, and yet many to come.
Hold steady, every moment waits.


Hang in there kids. Life is more than meets the eye.