Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm a TMZ addict

You're probably here to find out what the hell I've been up to the past six months, right?

No? Well, you suck. (turn to page 68)

If you answered "yes" then here you go...

Short answer: not much (or rather, nothing worth blogging about)
I've worked six(?) jobs (yeah, in six months) and somehow still have no money. Okay, let me count...
In January I worked for some crappy telemarketing company for like a week and a half before I got a job at Petland (before I knew they got their dogs from puppy mills! plus I worked in the fish side of the store, so quit hatin'). After that I took a job at Staples, which also sucked balls. Then I got a job with my mom at Chase in the collections department, which I was surprisingly really good at and liked, but they canned my ass for some dumb shit about my work history being inaccurate. And now I'm at Target. So I guess that's only five, but I suppose a daily routine of waking up at noon, watching Maury, Jeopardy, Cash Cab and Inside Edition, eating EasyMac and not showering does not constitute as a job.

Anyhow, after four jobs in four months I decided it was time for me to put my awesome thinking skills to proper use; it was time for me to go to school. Long story short, I will be attending Northeastern Illinois University come August.

Well, there it is... kind of. I mean, there is a lot more but I'm kinda tired and I still have yet to watch the illegal copy of True Blood I downloaded a couple of days ago, so I'm gonna do that.
I'm back....

Saturday, January 23, 2010

CoCo-a-go-go-byebye

We've a had a lot of fun being here these last seven months, but like everything in life, the fun has to come to an end a decade too early. As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity.

There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can't say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at "Saturday Night Live," "The Late Night Show," and my brief run here on the "Tonight Show," I have worked with NBC for over 20 years. Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we're going to go our separate ways, but this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible.

Walking away from the "Tonight Show" is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting the "Tonight Show" and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun.

Finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the Internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational. To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life.

All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.


This is how he left us: as classy and humble as anyone in his position could, and then some.

I spent all day watching Conan clips, from both Late Night and The Tonight Show. I even tried to put together my own "best of"/montage reel.

I was watching Conan tonight as he came close to tears giving this speech, and I have to admit that I was quite choked up as well.

I've been a fan of late night television since I was allowed to stay up late enough to watch it. And in my family, being old enough to stay up this late occurred at about the same time that you start having "real" problems. With that said, late night TV has always been an oasis of sorts to me. A place I can visit at the end of the day, alone and at peace; a place of refuge.

This might sound kind of lame, much like a lot of what I write in this blog, but goddamn, it's the truth. No matter what I would encounter in the daylight, how bad of a day I would have, whatever life could throw at me, in the end, Conan was always there to make me laugh. Occasionally I would have to deal with a week of reruns. And heck, there was even that period of several months where CoCo was off the air altogether. Don't ask me how I managed; I don't know.

So, until September I'm kinda screwed. "Ray" and "King of Queens" reruns better suffice, or it's all about bad infomercials for me and my fellow insomniacs.

I suppose I should take advice from the great one himself: don't be cynical, work really hard, and be kind. And of course, put an "ASS" stamp on all Jewish drummers I encounter.

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Best and Worst Moments of 2009: part two

Worst Moment #5 - Totaling my car
You can read all about it in a couple of previous entries. I wasn't injured, which was good. But watching something that has been a huge part of your life: from getting me into some serious trouble, to saving my ass countless times (even serving as a place to sleep on a handful of occasions)... I loved that car.

Best Moment #5 - Turkey Tourney 6
Always good to get everybody together for this annual event.

Worst Moment #4 - DIU Drama
Also something you can read about in previous entries. Bottom line, I learned my lesson the REALLY hard way.

Best Moment #4 - Jodie
Some of the best friendships and relationships one can have in a lifetime are the shortest. This girl really lit up my life for the brief month or so we spent together. Maybe it was the allure of being with a younger girl, or just a refreshing new person in my life, but it was pretty awesome. And when she was gone, it sucked but it didn't turn my life upside down by any stretch of the imagination.

Worst Moment #3 - My night/morning in County
At least it was Champaign County and not Cook, but it still wasn't fun. (Details can also be found in previous entries.)

Best Moment #3 - My bike
I found a bike for free on the internets. Nothing special, just a working mountain bike. My new favorite form of exercise and transportation.

Worst Moment #2 - Swine Flu
Not that I got it, it just pissed me off. Most annoying disease since bird flu. No, just kidding, I'd actually have to say car accidents in general. By my calculation I was involved in four this year, all semi-serious. Gladly, no one has perished, unlike from that bastard swine flu!

Best Moment #2 - Losing my car
While I do miss my precious VW Golf, the responsibilities (mostly financial) of car ownership SUCK. I will do my best to go without owning another auto as long as possible.

Worst Moment #1 - Losing my job at Petsmart
I know I hinted at this being "Jess breakup pt. 2" but losing my job at Petsmart was probably the shittiest thing that happened to me this year. It sparked the chain of events that led to 2009 being the worst year of my life.

Best Moment #1 - Sookie
She just showed up in the backyard one day and I was in love. Sweetest Pit Bull ever. She is always by my side. I go pee and she whines outside the door. Talk about loyalty. She makes all the crap I went through this year so much easier to swallow.

Well, there ya go. I could have elaborated on all of these a lot more, but I think most of them have been covered in previous entries.

I'm pretty confident in saying that this was the worst year ever. I'm a pretty optimistic person, and as you can see, I have found the good in the year.

I'm still battling with depression (on and off you could say) and I'm trying to do so without medication. It's been a rough four weeks without it, but I'm still here. I had a bit of a breakdown today, before writing this. The sun was setting on the last day of 2009 and I was just thinking about everything, trying to remain positive as I look ahead to 2010. For whatever reason I couldn't do it. Maybe it's this time of year. When the holidays are over I always get a little sad. Maybe it's that I've got no plans for 2010, and as much as I love Champaign, I want to move back home. I'm not entirely sure. The fact that I am more or less homeless doesn't really help either.

Throughout the past decade I've had a crack at a "fresh start" more than my fair share of times. I always blow it. I can never focus long enough to keep at something. Or I get bored. I can blame 49% of my failed relationship on this.

I guess this is where I attempt to end on a positive note. Well, it's not easy. I guess it's time to get ready and head to the place where I was ten years ago tonight, my buddy Mikes house. There won't be a whole lot of people there, but two, maybe three of my oldest friends will be there, and another one or two in spirit (they're not dead, they just are spending their NYEs elsewhere). To be honest, I think this will be good for me. While going out and getting hammered at a bar or a huge party somewhere sounds fun, I spent too much of 2009 doing this. Come to think of it, I probably spent too much of the past ten years doing this. (Now I'm making myself look like an alcoholic at 16. Honestly I didn't even start drinking until I was 19.) But anyway, a warm shower almost always cheers me up. So I'll leave you with this:

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin

Happy New Year, everybody.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

if ya wanna know me better, you should probably read this

I have convinced myself otherwise, but the fact of the matter is that I really don't hate my life. I've confessed the opposite to my own Mother countless times. But the truth is that my life is pretty kickass. The only thing I remotely dislike about my life - strike that - the only thing I dislike about life is how mundane it can be.

In other words, I despise how pathetic most peoples lives are. No offense, peoples.

For the past ten years (or so) my life has been anything but predictable. And I love it. I truly am in love with the idea of waking up every morning not knowing if I will live to see the sunset. For me, right now, in this stage of my life, this is the only way to live. You might find this entirely depressing, or even despicable. I pity those of you who agree with that statement. But don't take this the wrong way. It's not like I rise every morning with a death wish. I just live my life as simply as possible.

The day I wake up and know exactly how my day will play out will most likely be the day that I die. Spontaneity has been the constant theme of my "adult" life.

Many of you will argue that by doing this I am not being an "adult," but in my 26 years on this planet I have come to the realization that one can only be happy in the present tense: Adult, child, retard or otherwise.

Let me break this down for you...
For most of 2009 I have been living in (dwelling on) the past. I've recently realized how ridiculous this is. I will NEVER get back together with my ex. My Mother and Father will NEVER fall back in love, divorce their respective spouses and remarry (each other). And my beloved 2003 VW Golf will not mysteriously resurrect itself in my nonexistent driveway.

Likewise, I cannot wish, or even plan for my future. There are too many outside variables that will most definitely come into play. I could win the lottery tomorrow. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning (even in December in Chicago - look it up, seriously).

I've always excelled at math, but I've been a pretty unreasonable person for most of my life. This has been both a curse and a blessing (and in a handful of cases, a blessing in disguise).

With that said, I'll leave you with this:

I don't know where my life is going, and I honestly don't care that much. I don't know where I will be living a year from now, much less a month or week from now. (As of today I do not have a "place of residency.")

I do know this: I love writing, probably more than I love living. But, in order to write I must live. (I also - recent find - love reading, mostly because it inspires my writing.)

But right now (at 3:13 AM) there are noises upstairs, and I must live in the present tense and see what is up. Plus, I have to pee. So I must bid you farewell.

This has undoubtedly been my favorite blog post to date. It ranks within the top 5 of most honest as well. I hope someone gets something out of this mindless rant. I know I will.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

2009: Part 1

Time for the Best and Worst Moments of 2009.

I'm sick and tired of voting and writing about the best music of the year. I really didn't see enough films to throw in my two cents about the best in cinema. TV is something that happens in the background while I'm a) drinking, b) writing or c) thinking about drinking and writing (while listening to music). Considering I don't read enough, I am left with very few things to rank regarding the year that (almost) was. So, without further ado, my personal top 10 moments and/or memories that shaped my year (pending nothing crazy-awesome or horrific happens in the next 5 days, which is actually more than likely).

There's good news and there's bad news... and then more bad news. Which do you want first?

Worst Moment of 2009 #10 - IRS Audit
Yeah, it happened. Back in, er... some month of this year I received a letter in the mail that informed me that I owed the Federal Government some money. No, I did not cheat on my taxes, nor did I "forget" to pay them. I (in all honesty) forgot to report my (prepare for contradictory phrase) unemployment wages. And this was all ab out timing. In a "normal" year this wouldn't even make the list, but it was the icing on the shitcake that was 2009. Yes, I just said shitcake.

Best Moment of 2009 #10 - Jeff Tweedy in concert
My friend Chris had purchased a ticket for me. Last minute, I couldn't get the day off work. Then that crazy thing called Karma stepped in: Long story short, I had a misprinted version of my work schedule which made me an hour late, thus resulting in me getting sent home and allowing me to see Tweedy. Best, worst mistake EVER. Ranks in the Top 5 shows of all time.

Worst Moment #9 - New Years Eve embarrassment
Thinking I had a shot with a co-worker, I attended the striking blonds NYE party. Unfortunately she was not ready for a midnight kiss, resulting in TOTAL drunken embarrassment for me. Thankfully my other coworkers stood by me and dismissed aforementioned blond as a crazy bitch.

Best Moment #9 - DROID
Hate to say it... kinda, but this phone has really changed my life.

Worst Moment #8 - Leaving my campus apartment
If you ever rent an apartment in Champaign: DO NOT rent from the University Group. Those MFs really screwed me over. Nuf said.

Best Moment #8 - You're lookin' at it! (blogging)
And writing in general I suppose. While compiling this list I looked back at all of my posts from 2009 and realized that I am a big fan of myself. I like... strike that, LOVE my writing. Lol, but mostly I love being able to look back at my writing, or my life you could say. It's kinda fun, among other things. I highly recommend that everyone blog or at least keep a journal - some form of self-recollection/preservation.

Worst Moment #7 - My breakup with Jess (pt.1)
Technically this happened in 2008, but the whole thing stretched out long enough that it ruined the first few months of 2009. Details later...

Best Moment #7 - Pygmalion Music Festival
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Worst Moment #6 - Getting hit by a car while biking home from Pygmalion
Hit and run after the first night of Pygmalion. Sucked. Hurt. Left some badass scars. The chicks dig 'em.

Best Moment #6 - Being Single
When you flirt (or sleep) with other woman you don't feel so guilty if you're single. Just kidding. Not really. Well, kind of. Being single was pretty sweet at first, but all of a sudden you miss the companionship. Then you meet someone new. Then she runs off on you. God damn Karma.

Stay tuned for the Top 5...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Who the hell is Wesley Willis?

A number of years ago (pre-youtube days) my brother was listening to this awful yet awkwardly contagious song, which to the best of my recollection he downloaded via Limewire (or maybe even Napster. lol, Napster.)

"I kicked Batman's ass. I kicked Batman's ass... Rock over London. Rock on Chicago."

WTF!?

My brother went on to play me "Rock n' Roll McDonalds" while explaining that this was some homeless guy who performs with his keyboard on the streets of Chicago. His name was Wesley Willis.

We downloaded a bunch more of this "music" which included a handful of songs about bestiality (sucking camels dicks and such) and many more that ended with a corporate slogan ("Taco John's: A whole lot of Mexican"). The Wesley Willis craze lasted a couple of weeks, tops, and all was soon forgotten.

If this were to happen today, I of course would "Wiki that shit" and discover that Wesley Willis was not a homeless man whop performed on the streets of Chicago, but rather s self-proclaimed Rock 'n Roll star and artist who toured the country playing both solo and with his punk band, the Wesley Willis Fiasco. In addition, Willis would sell his drawings after the shows, and actually made some pretty decent cash. Oh, and did I mention he was schizophrenic?

Anyhow, there is a whole lot out there to learn about this guy. I stumbled across a documentary about Wesley Willis on Pitchfork and have posted the introduction below (which is now a different video). I highly recommend watching the whole thing, if you find yourself with 77 minutes of free time.


Intro fromWesley Willis's Joyrides