Angry Ryan gets personal, swears a lot

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.'"

I wrote and wrote and wrote, and had nothing good to say. Nothing. The quote above sums up most of it. Here are some of my other thoughts that I attempted to organize, but failed and figured, what's the point?

I hate frat boys. Always have, always will. I know it's a generalization but if I meet you tomorrow and you tell me you're in a frat, I'll knock your Greek ass out! I thought she felt the same way. She's probably in his bed right now. God fucking damnit that makes me mad. It fucking sickens me. She was here Tuesday night, with me. Yes, in the biblical sense. And now, who fucking knows? I'm not calling you a whore, I just didn't think you had it in you. (Fuck, when's the last time you read this anyway, who cares.)

I know I fucked up. I know I made mistakes in the past. That was me, this is you, but it's not.

Perhaps this post is regression, but I have done a lot of growing up in the past few weeks. Losing your job because you're a dumb fuck opens your eyes and kicks your ass into gear. And btw, Petsmart can suck my cock. "We have to set an example" doesn't work if you don't fire people who pull the same shit I did after me!

I was going to post a nice little entry about how I miss her and am getting my shit together, but she knows that. And the past few times we've been together have been so special- so fucking la-tee-da, it doesn't fucking make two shits difference, special. I told you to go for it, I know. I encouraged you to meet other people, have fun, see what else is out there...

But you tell me he is nothing special! (Of course not, he's a cookie-cutter fucking Northshore jerkoff fratboy!) And even with that said, I was okay with you going out with him, making out with him, and whatever else may have gone down. But I don't fucking believe this shit.

If/when you see this, I don't know how you'll react, but I sure hope it opens your eyes.

So, the above was written about two weeks ago. This is the update:

"[It was platonic] but it's evolving into a greater interest than that and tonight doesn't change how I feel for you... but it means I shouldn't see you anymore..."

That was part of the text message I got tonight from Jessica. (And by the way, the potential "interest" is not the aforementioned fratboy, but another guy.)

How can you tell someone you love them and tell them that you can't see them anymore because you are attracted to the "friends" you were "never attracted to"?

WTF? Did I have this coming or something? All I know is that when it rains it fucking pours.

Love is fucking bull shit to me right now.
It means nothing.
I wish she meant nothing.
I feel like I wasted five years of my life that could have been spent focusing on myself, my friends, my education...SOMETHING else, that would have lasted.

I'm losing it again. I thought I hit rock bottom, but I think I'm still falling.