Friday, April 24, 2009

Come Monday

So here it comes, buckle up kids...

Right now I'm feeling pretty good, loving life and just enjoying the here and now. Yes, I have been drinking, but I felt this way prior to the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I have more than my fair share of worries right now, but it's like I was freed from the chains of anxiety tonight. I do not know what it was; maybe getting off work early and not having to work tomorrow, or just the freedom of the weekend, but magically all of my concerns vanished... I guess it's only life after all, right?

Speaking of life, I was sure mine was over. Jessica not only left me, but first toyed with my mind and heart, before leaving me for the "free-spirit" of frat boys and other miscellaneous douchebags. I was unemployed, then underemployed, then homeless, and I'm still broke.

But right now, I'm listening to Jimmy Buffet and dancing with a dog. (I'm not that drunk, just in a good mood.) And you know why I'm in such a good mood? Because of all that I do have in my life. I have a (while dysfunctional) great family, awesome friends- here in Champaign, back in the 'burbs, and scattered across the country. I have a roof over my head and a roommate who understands and is more than I could ever ask for (we're not gay). And as lame and cliche as it might sound, tomorrow is only a day away...

I have to focus on these positive things. As elementary as this might sound to most of you, I have struggled with this for quite awhile. I was, and still am in some ways, depressed. And the depression has little to do with my current state of affairs. I have been on and off meds for this bitch for over three years. It sucks, but hey, I'm still here to talk about it.

Suddenly my writers block makes sense. I have been wanting to write about my downfalls, my misfortunes and my depression. Don't get me wrong, it's important to understand what people like me are going through, but expressing the thoughts and feelings associated with mental illness is not an easy task.

With any sort of loss you go through phases. Denial, bargaining, acceptance... blah blah blah...
I just wanted to skip to the end. And I kind of did in a roundabout way. I am accepting the loss, but I'm still in anger mode in some ways. I can understand HER reasoning, but not her actions. And the fact that every other tweet is directed at or regarding me, tells me that she still cares, but not enough to accept me back into her life. (Hence, the anger.)

The bottom line is this: I WANT to move on. Am I ready? Maybe, maybe not.
Only one way to find out.

(I feel like that stupid broad from Sex and the City, without the wit.)

Peace out for now kids. Any comments/suggestions/criticism is MUCH appreciated.


splinky said...

lol@ the sex and the city reference...great way to end a positive blog!

i have been so f*ing bored without having something to read. (Your blog and the sports highlights are as far as my ADD lets me get away with reading lol!)

WELCOME BACK!!im very happy to see that you are finding you and in good spirits:)

p.s jimmy buffett gets me in a crazy happy mood with out alcohol