Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu: Just how dead are we?

We're so dead, thanks kid.

As I write this entry, there are 91 confirmed cases in the United States, and one confirmed death, in Texas.

So, is this bio-terrorism or just the result of poor petting zoo management? Do I have to give up bacon? How many hours do I have to live?

Don't worry kids, I'm here to answer all of your pressing questions, and maybe even SAVE YOUR LIFE!

According to the CDC, Swine Influenza is very similar to the human strain of the flu, BUT DEADLY! Of course, it's most deadly in young children and the elderly, so if you have kids, send them to boarding school and lock Grandpa up in the basement until this whole thing passes. (You can feed him all of the pork products left in your fridge - but handle with precaution!)

The CDC does state that you can not get swine flu from eating or preparing pork, but these are the same people who recommend wearing a face mask or respirator when in large crowds... You want to risk your life eating that bacon double cheeseburger? Stay the hell away from me, I'll stick with the original white meat, assuming that whole bird flu thing is over. That's done right?

Here are a few other pointers I recommend to keep your self safe and healthy:
-Shower occasionally
-Avoid crowds, especially of pigs
-Burn any and all clothing that may have come in contact with a farmer in the past three months
-Should you get sick, assume the worst and off yourself before you infect others
-Carry a bottle of an alcohol-based antibacterial as well as a bottle of alcohol-based booze with you at all times. You gotta kill the germs inside and out!
-For the time being, making out with strangers is prohibited
-Also, no pig sex (I'm assuming that's how this whole thing started, some drunken farmer...)

By my calculations we should all be dead in 48 hours, which means I have a few things to cross off the bucket list, like #47: cure West Nile.