Thursday, May 7, 2009

Like a rolling stone

I'm not in the mood to debate about Twitter yet (so, Noah, it's first come first serve I guess), but I am in the mood to write about something else.

I just realized - well not really, but finally decided to write about it: I have never been a "part" of anything. I mean, I had my groups (plural) of friends in high school, I have held jobs where I felt like "part of the crowd" (but mostly just at work), with the one exception being Petsmart, which as you probably know, was fairly short-lived.

I'm a drifter I guess you could say. Since high school I have never lived in the same place for more than two years. I have lost touch with a lot of friends over the years, I suppose we all have. But, I miss a lot of those friends. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll reconnect with them, like I have with several in the past. I like having a lot of friends from different walks of life, different places and different cliques, but I think it has prevented me from getting close with a lot of people that could have made a positive impact on my life.

Maybe it's a fear of commitment? After all, I did leave the suburbs (twice) where my solid core of "close friends" were. They all wanted me to stay, but I think they really just wanted was best for me. They even pointed out that they were being selfish by asking me to stay.

The first time I left, it was for a girl, Jessica. I may have pretended it was for my future, which in a way it was, but not in the way I was tricking myself into believing. The second time, it was to get away from the same girl... again, in a way. There were other minor reasons in play; my roommate, my new friends, potential jobs... I'm still not even completely sure why I came back down here to Champaign. I do know that something inside of me just missed it down here. Geographic solution to an emotional problem? Perhaps. But I think (and hope) it's going to work out down here. I don't even know why I hope so, not entirely at least. I guess it's just different down here - not too suburban, not too country, and just enough city.

But, after all, I'm on Plan Z, which means I have to make something work down here. The good news is that I have two potential jobs that could lead to very good things. The first of which, I have an interview for tomorrow afternoon. The second, next week. I really, really hope that they work out, so I can get my ass back on track, possibly taking classes again, and start working towards a life I actually WANT to live - not just one that gets me through the day to day.

However, I have strayed from the point. Being part of something...

Maybe it's a good thing that I have never been a "part" of something. First of all, I am a natural born leader, and secondly... oh god, here comes the Ram Dass... secondly, I am what some would refer to as a "free spirit." Or at least, I wish I was. I strive for that. I think it's worth fighting for.

I want to tell you all more about Ram Dass, but you're best bet is to just Wiki or Google that name and you'll get the gist. Basically, he sees us all as souls. His crazy acid/mushroom trips led him to enlightenment, which is where I hope to be, sans drugs.

If I could paraphrase his thoughts (which I can't, but I will try), we are all part of something, but not the things we label ourselves with. I may be a son, a brother, a liberal, a generation-X male... but none of this really matters, because I AM ME. And you are you. Alive or dead, we have our relationships with others. (Again, this might be kind of deep and confusing without understanding Dass and his writings and teachings.) But to try to sum it up (once again), you are a soul who never dies. The relationships you have with others, will never die. They will be passed on to others, and no one is EVER gone, just elsewhere, if that.

Be here now. Listen to your emotions. Listen to your heart, your soul, your mind, yourself. Be here now.