Wednesday, September 3, 2008

melancholy and the eternal optimism

Today was perhaps the worst day of being in Champaign. Nothing terribly wrong, no "major" events that made my day bad; hell, my day didn't even suck, it just failed to live up to it's potential. And in comparison to the other 11 or so days I've been here, it was lackluster.

First of all, I wanted to get some good stuff done today- and I guess I got some of that done today, but not all of it. Still, not terrible, but lacking total fulfillment.

Secondly, I got a call from my mom. She found out about my Huey Luey Duey. Sucks for me because I tried so hard to keep it from her, because I know she'd be extremely perturbed by the whole thing. Well, she was more than that. She did her best not to "preach" or lecture me but overall, it pretty much sucked. It was one of those "'I told you so' but I didn't relly want to 'tell you so'" situations. Like the opposite of a double chocalate icecream cone: guilt poured on top of more guilt. We've all heard the phrase too much of a good thing. Well, too much of a bad things exists as well, and obviously it's even worse.

Anyhow, after dealing with that, I went to work. Not too bad, tried to shake off the Motherly guilt., and I did so pretty well.

I, the eternal optimist, looked towards the future - tonight, the fantasy draft! And then Yahoo! screwed me over and made me sad. The true capper of a bad day. As is typical in my life, I can contribute my sadness and dissappointment to a large corporation. It's understandable Yahoo! but not excusable.

That all brings me to the topic of the day: Depression.

When I look at today in it's true light (which I am able to do thanks to prescribed medication, self-medication, and self-meditation. The inner peace I hold within myself has kept me sane, lighthearted, and happy (or at least content).

It's kinda like that Southwest Airlines ad on TV:
A solitary cloud passes over an otherwise clear sky and communal "awwwww" is heard by beachgoers.
Narrator: A bad day in Florida beats a good day nywhere else. (or something along those lines)

Hope you all got that, because we're moving on.

Sadness is NOT depression. Sadness exists in many forms and blossoms to many varying degrees. Today was sad, yes, and also disappointing. However, I am currently not depressed. Having one sad day does not equal depression.

Let's add that feeling of melancholy to the mix. Still, it may seem like depression. A sense of apathy, self-loathing comes upon me from time to time, but less often than previously.

It is this continued feeling that is what classifies depression. I fell that, due to the fact that I am feeling better on a consistent basis, I am overcoming my depression. Which, is AWESOME.

While on the phone with my mom today, talking about the "incident," I tried to remain positive. She was very discouraging, of course. But, overall I feel I stood my ground, and allowed her "I told you so's" to exist, but only in her mind. I constantly ask myself, what do I owe to her?
Nothing I suppose, or everything...? She's good, in so many ways, but she fails terribly as a mother in so many other ways. (Sorrry if this sounds bad, it's just my opinion.)
Well, my point is that while explaining to my mother that, yes, I made a msitake; yes, I did wrong, broke the law; yes, she "told me so;" I have to deal with this in a proactive way.
Meanwhile, she "sees it in a different light." She is the primary cause of my anxiety. It's not only genetic, but also inherited socially.
For example: my mom hears sirens in the distance - she then calls myself and my siblings to make sure it's not us. That is no way to live your life! I tried to avoid it, but one day the same anxiety took over, manifesting itself in a different way.
I guess she could blame her parents too, so there is no reason to point finger here, but c;mon! I feel like I'm two years old sometimes.
I can only do what I can do. I can not change the past. I can not ignore this. But at the same time, I can not make her happy. That is her responsibility. Just like my happiness is my responsibility, as is the same with every soul on this planet.

Happiness is extremely complex. It's harder for some based on circumstances, but we are all capable of achieving it. It's about self-repsect, compassion, acceptance and understanding; things I strive for everyday of my life, without even being concious of it all the time - because I feel like I was blessed with that kind of soul, that personality. It comforts me. We all need that sort of comfort.

Friday I will face a judge regarding my DUI. It sucks but it's something I have to do and have the courage to do. I'm not quite sure where it came from, but I am so very grateful for it.

Good night all!